Self-Compassion: Why it Matters for Wellbeing
Many of us find it easy to offer understanding and kindness towards a friend or family member who are struggling, but when we’re the ones who make a mistake or face a setback, our inner voice becomes very critical.
“I’m such a failure.”
“Why did I do that?”
“I should’ve known better!”
Do these thoughts sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and a researcher on self-compassion, this pattern is incredibly common, and it’s one of the biggest barriers to emotional wellbeing. Her work on self-compassion offers an alternative: learning how to relate to ourselves with the warmth, understanding, and kindness, that we’d usually extend to others.
What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion originated as a Buddhist philosophical concept which has, over the years, been incorporated into Western psychology to further our understanding of mental health (Barnard & Curry, 2011).
Dr. Kristin Neff defines self-compassion by treating one’s self with kindness and care, instead of judging one’s self harshly (Neff, 2003). It entails three components:
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Instead of judging and criticising ourselves, self-kindness means treating one’s self with care, understanding, and patience, especially when we’re struggling and facing failures. It’s about acknowledging that imperfections are okay.
2. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Having an open attitude to our struggles and inadequacies. This means that we can notice our painful emotions and thoughts, instead of avoiding it or being swept away by it.
3. Common humanity vs. Isolation
Reminding ourselves that suffering, failures, and mistakes are part of the shared human experience. Recognising this can help make us feel more connected to others and less isolated in our pain.
Self-Compassion’s Protective Qualities
Research suggests that people who are self-compassionate experience greater emotional wellbeing. They’re less likely to struggle with depression, anxiety and stress (Macbeth & Gumley, 2012). They also tend to feel more positive emotions, be more emotionally intelligent, and have a higher sense of purpose and satisfaction in life (Banard & Curry, 2011). On the other hand, people who struggle with self-compassion tend to have perfectionistic tendencies, overthink, and have a significant fear of failure (Neff, 2007).
Simple Ways to Practice Self-Compassion
If self-compassion feels difficult for you, that’s okay! It’s a skill that can be practiced.
You can start with a few simple steps:
1. Notice your inner voice.
When you’re struggling, make a mistake, or feel inadequate, ask yourself: “What am I telling myself right now? Am I being critical and judgmental?”
2. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend who’s struggling.
Imagine a friend who’s going through some things and is being harsh on themselves. How would you speak to them? Try to offer yourself the same words.
3. Acknowledge your shared humanity.
Remind yourself that everyone struggles, and that you’re not alone in this. It’s normal to feel pain and make mistakes – that just makes you human!
4. Practice self-compassion meditation.
Dr. Kristin Neff offers guided meditation on her website (self-compassion.org) that helps you to strengthen a self-compassionate mindset.
Final Thoughts
Self-compassion is not self-pity or self-indulgence – it’s an act of courage where you choose to respond to your pain with kindness rather than judgment. Practicing self-compassion can shift the way relate to yourself, others, and the world.
Article written by Luvena Susanto, Clinical Psychologist
References
Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2011). Self-Compassion: Conceptualizations, Correlates, & Interventions. Review of General Psychology, 15, 289-303. http://doi.org/10.1037/a0025754
MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta- analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32, 545–552. http://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–101. http://doi.org/10.1080/15298860390129863